While we in the opposition are currently unable to stop the growth, we can voice our opinions and have a laugh at the same time. I’ve compiled a cabinet of real and imaginary characters that would make the rest of President Obama’s one (we pray) term in office a lot more fun…for us.
STATE
JOHN BOLTON
Now here is a guy with some balls. He may have a bad ‘70’s coiffe and a mustache that looks like he’s always eating a small rodent, but Bolton tells it like it is. As a former ambassador to the UN, he was a more than a thorn in the side of the quiche eating terrorist appeasers who cried “FOUL” every time he spoke. Bolton will go into any hostile land, sit down at the table and say, “Get me a ham and cheese sandwich on white, Fritos, and a cold beer—any brand…as long as it’s American!”
TREASURY
LARRY KUDLOW
As host of Kudlow and Company, Larry talks bulls and bears all day long. Although he knows all the finance lingo multi speak, he responds to us ordinary folks in plain English. Imagine plain English spoken at the Treasury Dept. If Larry had to testify in front of Congress, he’d make them all look like babbling fools and we’d be cheering all the way.
DEFENSE
DAVID PETRAEUS
For a general, he looks like a really nice guy. If General Petraeus wasn’t in uniform he seems like the go to guy in your local chamber of commerce. Fortunately for us, he’s got
approximately 1.5 million in the armed forces who can mobilize anywhere in the world and ruin the rest of your “Supreme Leader” days.
JUSTICE
MIGUEL ESTRADA
This man should have been the first Latino on the Supreme Court. Estrada came to the US from Honduras when he was seventeen. He eventually graduated magna cum laude from Harvard Law School. For twenty-eight months, he was denied an up or down vote for his nomination by Democrats to the United States Court of Appeals for the DC Circuit. Estrada eventually withdrew his name from further consideration. Republicans owe him.
INTERIOR
MANNY PUIG
Just imagine Edgar Rice Burroughs’ hero, Tarzan, running the Interior Dept. Now imagine the cast and crew of MTV’s Jackass as his staff. That would be the most exciting federal agency, conserving America’s lands and waterways while jumping over them in a rocket-powered shopping cart. Manny wrestles alligators in the Everglades. He swims with hammerhead sharks in the open ocean armed with only a mask and snorkel. He would hardly be your typical Washington DC hack.
AGRICULTURE
PAUL RODRIGUEZ
The star of aka.Pablo and A Million to Juan, and father of professional skateboarder, Paul “P-Rod” Rodriguez, Jr., Paul Rodriguez is my pick for Secretary of Agriculture. Even though he has spent many years in the entertainment bubble, he’s also the chairman of the California Latino Water Coalition, a group desperately trying to get the federal government to release water to California’s San Joaquin Valley (formerly known as the breadbasket of the world). The water is being held back because of the feds perceive the tiny delta smelt as an endangered species. Delta smelt are the size of your middle finger! And that’s what the feds are giving to the farmers. Perhaps with Manny Puig’s help form the Interior Dept., Rodriguez can get the water turned back on.
COMMERCE
JOHN LAYFIELD
He’s a six foot six inch, 290 pound Texan. This former professional wrestler could grab some of those cubicle monkeys at the Commerce Dept. and powerslam them into shape. As a regular on Fox News Channel’s Bulls & Bears, He’s not afraid to talk about business from a conservative viewpoint. Did I mention Layfield is from Texas? That’s all you really need to know….
LABOR
VINCE McMAHON
This guy can get large, sweaty men to oil their shaved bodies, wear tights that barely hide their packages, and “wrestle” in the WWE. Vince McMahon sitting across the table from UAW President, Ron Gettlefinger would be a sight to see. Just as the negotiations get heated, a few undersecretaries rush in and body slam Gettlefinger and the rest of his UAW spokesholes onto the floor. It would all be captured in HD and available at a retailer near you..
HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES
NURSE JACKIE
Showtime’s Nurse Jackie played by Edie Falco is a pain-killer addicted adulteress control freak. She does whatever she can for her patients, unless they are young with no brain activity. Jackie sends them away to get their organs harvested even if they aren’t donors. But look at all the other lives she saves. Although personally flawed, she’s one hell of a nurse…and mom.
HOUSING & URBAN DEVELOPMENT
DONALD TRUMP
The Donald in charge of HUD? The man has developed hotels and casinos in New York, Chicago, Atlantic City, and Las Vegas. I say let him take his concepts to all of the urban areas in the country. One stipulation would be that he gets signage in every project. The familiar TRUMP sign on every house lit up in bright red neon. Instead of HUD homes, they’d be called TRUMP homes. We would then rename the department TRUMP:
Truly Resplendent Urban Municipal Properties.
TRANSPORTATION
RAY LaHOOD
Ray LaHood is the real guy in charge of USDOT. He assumed office on January 22, 2009. He’s a Republican. So what? After watching him defend the Cash for Clunkers Program on various news shows, I was convinced he was the right useful idiot for the current administration. What’s up with those eyebrows?
ENERGY
ELECTRO
He’s been getting his ass kicked by Spider-man and Daredevil since the ‘60’s. Being such a wimpy supervillain perhaps he would be better at being a political appointee.
His costume says it all—no oil or coal interests here—and he already wears green.
EDUCATION
RONALD McDONALD
Unless you suffer from coulrophobia (the abnormal fear of clowns), Ronald McDonald could always put a smile on your face while hocking cheeseburgers for one of the greatest American enterprises ever. I would rather close the Dept. of Education and turn the buildings into retail stores. But since it will still be with us, Ronald could hire the Grimace, Mayor McCheese, and the Hamburglar as undersecrataries—these characters could do a better job than the clowns that are already in charge. Besides, the kids would love the Happy Meals.
VETERANS AFFAIRS
R. LEE ERMEY
“The Gunny” loves America and its veterans. This Marine served 14 months in Viet Nam so he knows what veterans have gone through. My dad served in Viet Nam about the same time. I bet he would have liked Sgt. Ermey. His performances in The Boys in Company C and Full Metal Jacket were OUTSTANDING! Now you can see him on the History Channel’s Lock n’ Load where he gets to fire all types guns large and small.
HOMELAND SECURITY
SAM THE SHEEPDOG
This Warner Brothers icon has been keeping his sheep safe from Ralph the Wolf for decades. Now put him in charge of our borders. Whether it’s Jose the day laborer, Francois the student, or Hamza the bomb maker, Sam would catch them all, lay the smack down, and clock out on time. Sheepdogs hate O.T.
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